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As much as I bandy about lots of words inappropriately, including the word "bandy", I've surprised myself with how I don't use the word "obsessed". I'm clearly in denial because I have problems with The Truth and other bothersome details of life. But today, I present to you no less than three obsessions not named Isabelle that are currently making me a difficult person to converse with these days:
1. Inspector Lynley series by Elizabeth George - Yes, these are books. I'll give you a minute to take that in. I'm calling this an obsession by the mere fact that I've read 9 books of this mystery series in about a month and I DON'T WANT TO STOP. This is in spite of other facts, namely that I don't find Elizabeth George to be that terrific of a writer. But she's a pretty good plotter.
2. Meme Si (What You're Made Of) by Gregory LeMarchal and Nolwenn Leroy - This is a combo platter of English and French lyrics and weirdly enough, it's the English sung by Nolwenn that has me all obsessed with this song. The reason is that this French woman has no trace of an accent with her English. It fascinates me to an atmospheric level. Her voice comforts me greatly which makes me wonder if the whole Nolwenn Effect has any merit. This was a study that some supposed scientists did on how music can balance us and Nolwenn Leroy's voice was the tops in balancing old people and children. Oh hey, I'm just kidding. I don't put any stock in "scientists".
3. Tamara Taylor - Dear Jesus God, where has this woman been all my life? She's an actress on Bones and you'd think that it'd be impossible to see anyone else with the extremely gorgeous Emily Deschanel on the screen. BUT NO. I have to go there with the Cam character. Dear Jesus God, what a voice....and other things.
Enough bandying things about. I have books and tv and one single song to listen to.
Football season is almost over, but before I can let it go, I'd like to air a few of my grievances with it. I know that roughly zero people who have anything to do with the NFL are reading this, but that's the not the point, is it? The point is Scott Hanson stinks.
Seriously, he is the worst host who has ever hosted anything and I'm counting Whoopi at the Oscars. For those not in the know, Hanson is the annoying presence on the NFL Network's Red Zone Channel. This channel shows all the touchdowns and game coverage commercial-free on Sundays.
Without enumerating because I'm annoyed by all these things equally, here are his most offensive traits:
- He stutters noticeably
- He uses 200 words to say "...and he scores!"
- He injects useless and uninteresting trivia which slows down the play-by-play commentary to an unnerving level
- He blinks too much
- He lies and gets facts wrong
- His suit sleeves are too short
While I would tolerate some of these characteristics in a normal, everyday person, I can do no such thing with someone who is on the air for six hours straight on a channel that would otherwise be fan freaking tastic.
Now I wasn't passive with my dislike of Hanson's hosting skills. I wrote the NFL Network a strongly-worded letter a few weeks back and I have no doubt they're considering his abysmal performance over the course of the season and hiring someone who knows when to shut up. No need to thank me for being the squeaky wheel.
Jesus I wrote some really long sentences up there. I'll try for shorter ones for the rest of this diatribe.
So what else peeves me about my favorite professional sport? A great majority of the players speak in the second person on topics that no regular person could ever relate to. It bothers me because I'm anal as hell, but also because it's a really dumb way to speak. Just say "I" instead of "you" because you're talking about you, not me. Am I right? I know I am.
I thought I had other things that got stuck up my butt, but I'm not feeling it right now. This coming weekend is the last football-mania weekend until September. There are only 2 conference championship games next weekend compared to the 4 divisional games this weekend. I'm not ready to find things to do with my sudden free time on Sundays, but I'll have no choice, I guess. That's why I pay for the NFL Network year-round. So I don't have to really let go.
That right there is my Dragon*Con souvenir. It's a bunny for those who are stuff-animal-challenged. Every year, there's a sing-a-long to the Buffy musical episode ("Once More With Feeling") in the vein of Rocky Horror. During the Anya freak-out over bunnies, the stage cast tossed out bunnies and one seemed to bounce off my head and into my hands. No, seriously, I dove for the free bunny and snatched it out of the sticky fingers of a little baby. No mercy.
Sooooo....Anyway, the con started out with the wait in the registration line that I won't be telling you about. If you ever consider going to this con, I don't want to discourage you by describing in detail what you have to go through to get into geek heaven. And you would absolutely be turned off and not think it's worth it.
It was worth it to wake up early and get in line to see the comedy duo of William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. Two other Star Trek captains were there, too - Patrick Stewart and Kate Mulgrew - and they were wonderful to see. I also saw John Schneider and Catherine Bach (Bo and Daisy Duke), but I wish Tom Wopat would've joined in on the fun.
The most enjoyable moments were some panels aimed at kids (and me, by default) which included a light saber school and a pair of Australian skeptics handing out Tim Tams to everyone but me. What are Tim Tams and how do I get some?
Dragon*Con had about 35,000 attendees this year spread out over four hotels. Every year, I think I'm done with it because the mass of humanity wears me out. But once the guest list starts getting put together, I know I'll be asking my brother, "Do you want to go to Dragon*Con? Huh? Huh?"
For the first time in about a decade, I'm actually going to watch the NBA Finals. I grew up a Lakers fan so I naturally hate the Celtics. All Boston sports, really, are vile. Chicago sports teams, too. All of them make me want to punch something. Not that it takes much which is why I'm going to attempt some Buddhist meditation tomorrow. I'll try not to get kicked out of the temple.
Anyway, i's been about 20 years since these two teams have met in the finals and I suppose there's a few things different this time around:
- I have no idea who any of the players are except Kobe Bryant.
- I have watched less than 10 NBA games total since Magic Johnson retired.
- The only players I know are on the Spurs because Cylinda has some weird "hometown pride" going on.
- What's Larry Bird been up to?
- My favorite pro player ever was Byron Scott. He's now the New Orleans coach which has nothing to do with L.A. or Boston.
- The Forum is now owned by a church. This church does not own a NBA team.
Except for all those things, it's a rematch of the classic 80s rivalry. Exactly like it!
Lionel Hutz: And so, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I rest my case.
Judge: Hmmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know that you're not wearing any pants?
Hutz: DAAAA! I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Right! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right.
In the midst of celebrating Cylinda's graduation from vocational law school training, I would like to remind her that while Lionel Hutz is not the lawyer she should emulate, he is a lawyer and is licensed to practice in Springfield, which is more than she can do now. Think about that. He's also a cartoon character and not real, so maybe I should think about that.
She'll be just as good as Hutz - maybe even a little better - after she sits for the bar in July. Then she'll be crossing over to the dark side to be an evil corporate lawyer this fall. I CAN'T WAIT!
No, really, I can't. Except for the whole evil part... just kidding. I'm looking forward to the evilness the most.
My little French mouse has a name! It's Tuffy. He's not always French, only when he's in Paris being a mouseketeer. Actually, he only speaks in those 4 cartoons set in Paris. Otherwise, he's mute like Tom and Jerry in the other 9 cartoons that he's in.
Tuffy started life as an orphan and he was named Nibbles in the first few shorts. He always ends up at Jerry's door and Jerry, being a compassionate mouse, takes care of him without question. Tuffy was in diapers and half the size of Jerry in his first episode, but he grew up like a good little mouse during the 12 year span that he appeared on the cartoon (Academy Award-winning cartoon!).
What's that, you say? I know entirely too much about a recurring guest star cartoon mouse from the 1950s? Actually, I don't. Here's someone who knows more than any one person should about Tom and Jerry.
But seriously, if mice really looked like Tuffy, I'd totally have one as a pet and dress him up in diapers. I'd also arm him with a little sword because neither Jonas nor Zekey are as stupid as Tom.
Well, I'd like to think so, anyway...
Ugly Betty
The second season is starting out well and like last year, it's cramming season-long plots into one or two episodes. That's brave! What if they run out of ideas by January? I guess it doesn't matter as long as Vanessa Williams keeps playing Wilhemina as cartoony and evil as possible.
Chuck
After three episodes, I think I like this show. I'm not someone who needs to watch TV (ever) so new shows don't get much of a chance, but this one is fun and funny. Plus, it has Yvonne Strahovski (at right) who can look like whoever you want her to look like. She's Christine Taylor (Hey Dude!) to me and Elizabeth Rohm (Law and Order) to Cylinda. We could put our hands together but I'd want more Christine and she'd want more Elizabeth in the mix. We're going to ignore the fact that maybe Christine Taylor and Elizabeth Rohm look like each other. Cause they don't.
Reaper
I haven't caught up with Tivo yet so going on just two episodes, I'm still not sure about this one. The lead character Sam is such a nice guy, but his best friend needs to have a lot less scenes. There seems to be a formula to the plot that could get old quick. At least the devil is a little unpredictable (and fashionable!).
Reba
I have no good reason why I watch this (now syndicated) show except maybe that it's fascinating in how many stupid characters one show can carry. I know every show has stupid people in it, but the depth and sheer amount of stupidity here is hilarious. There are 2 non-stupid people in a cast of 7. That there is good odds that the humor won't be mean-spirited or insulting. It's just stupid humor and I shouldn't admit it, but I really GET it.
Yeah, I shoulda kept that to myself.
The major stars for the Trek programming at DragonCon this year were high caliber:
-- Jonathan "I'm number one always and forever" Frakes
-- Brent "I'm funnier than I look" Spiner
-- Gates "I haven't aged since my pact with the devil" McFadden
All three were hilarious, inappropriate, and best of all, refused to humor the fans. You know what I mean -- those fans William Shatner makes fun of; the ones who ask questions about the minute details in obscure and forgotten episodes and the motivations behind characters during very specific scenes. Mr. Data had the best response to one such question:
"I thought about it for a while... and then I read the script." (paraphrased, which means I don't remember the exact quote...exactly)
If Marina Sirtis had been with this gang, all trying to one-up each other, it would have been perfect. She was at DragonCon two years ago and was awesome and I don't even really like the character of Troi.
So anyway, the guests this year didn't talk much about the show or anything really in particular. I actually don't remember any of the topics except one: Jonathan Frakes is a stud in the bear community. Did you know that? Me, neither! Neither did Gates McFadden. That picture of her hiding her face is her reaction. She couldn't look up for 5 minutes, but JF took the news more calmly. He said he couldn't wait to tell his wife.
One last note: They all imitate Patrick Stewart's voice as if he were possessing their bodies. Such talent.
Tomorrow: Freaks dressed up as...freaks.
Earlier this year, when the initial Dragon*Con 2007 guest list announcements were made, they included Brent Spiner and Jonathan Frakes. I was impressed. Star Trek: TNG actors are still big deals in my time-addled late 80s brain.
Then John de Lancie (Q) was added along with Corin Nemec a few weeks ago. That was a good day. (Any day with Parker Lewis is a good day.) It couldn't get better, could it? Oh yes. Gates McFadden is now coming, too. Holy moley. Dr. Crusher!
If I get to see Patrick Stewart and Michael Dorn one of these years (and if the people mentioned above don't cancel) I'll have seen all the major players from TNG, including Whoopi!
2004: the back of Garrett Wang's head as he judged the Miss Klingon Pageant
2005: LeVar Burton and Marina Sirtis
2006: Denise Crosby (and George Takei!)
Just kidding about Whoopi. I'm sure I've never seen her because I think I'd remember that.
A few disclaimers:
- I have never seen an episode of American Idol.
- I still haven't.
- I'm not a big fan of duets with dead people.
- But Elvis is still alive, right?
- Celine is understated beside the not-dead guy.
- Bravo!
- I don't get why video sharing like YouTube is so popular.
- It might be the same thing that makes American Idol popular.
- I'm obviously not in on "it".
- Anyways, the song is quite nice.
- The whole thing makes me feel weird.
- But that's not an uncommon feeling for me.
- Enjoy!
- Try not be weirded out.
During this year's Chick-Fil-A Bowl (née Peach Bowl), there was a commercial for a free stuffed cow to the first 150,000 people who signed up. I immediately got online and had one sent to my little brother who likes Chick-Fil-A sandwiches so much, it's almost obscene. They're good, but the problem with them is that I only crave them on Sundays when the restaurants aren't open. Nevermind, I see how that's my problem and not theirs.
Anyways, I wanted to surprise him. So a few weeks after the bowl game, I was talking to him, and being my clever and sneaky self, said, "I got you something." He got real inquisitive so I had to tell him. And he then started laughing and said, "You know what?"
"I got you one, too."
What characters we are...ha ha heh heh bleh. I had a point to all this...Oh yeah, I got it in the mail today and the cats have been smiling at it. I think they want to eat a lot of steak tonight. Or actually, "eat mor stake".
Hilda: Betty, have you thought about exploring other options?
Betty: Hilda, I am not going to sell Herbalux.
Hilda: I wasn't saying that... necessarily.
(Ugly Betty, Pilot)
Hilda is the sister I've always wanted: protective, no-nonsense and smart, all wrapped up in a delicious New York accent. As a girlfriend, she would scare the crap outta me.
After three years of Dragon*Con fun, I've learned that:
There are never too many Storm Troopers.
Jabba may be overwhelmed. Wouldn't you?
Grant, Kari and Tory from Mythbusters. They're paid to blow things up on TV. Awesome.
No planet, just an escalator.
So Leo got the girl! I always liked Leo.
No, my favorite is Mikey. Yes, I have a favorite Turtle. Shut up.
This is one of the best headlines I've ever seen in my life:
Even though The Simpsons have told me otherwise...
Canada's awesome.
Robots are one step closer to making all of us lazier. I can't wait! If they'll be anything like Robot P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard, it'll be one hilarious world. No kidding, that was one funny robot. Hell, that's one funny show.
Don't look down on me like that. You know you enjoyed that show and were attracted to at least one of the cousins. They were 5 to choose from, if you include the substitute cousins. I don't. So, ok, you have 3 to choose from. I have mine. Ha ha, I'm not telling.
Or maybe these fellas are more your style...
I'm not one to judge. Oh, no wait, I am.
I haven't lived with my parents for many years now. But besides irritating me, I never had a good reason why I ran away from all the egg rolls and wacky animal stories. Well, today, I found one.
My parents are visiting me for a few weeks. Now, my mom has always been an egg short of a dozen, but I thought my dad was more grounded. I think that no more.
I came home from work today to find him watching...A Baby Story. For those not in the know, this is one of TLC's top rated shows for 18-35 year old white women. Just to reassure myself, my dad fits none of those demographics. None! He told me he was watching it because the couple on the show had gone to snatch, I mean, adopt some China girls and they were going through the Hong Kong airport and just a few weeks ago, he had gone through the exact same airport! The questions I formed in my head (these were just the tip of the iceberg):
- How long had he been watching before he saw the airport?
- How long has he been watching after he saw the airport?
- Why couldn't he just look at pictures of the airport and try harder not to disturb me?
Non-disturbing image of Hong Kong Airport
These are questions that, frankly, I don't want answered. But so that I'm not "surprised" tomorrow, I think I'll turn on the Tivo parental controls and lock out TLC and, just to be safe, Lifetime AND Oxygen.