Smooth talk
AT PUBLIX CHECKOUT LANE.
Cashier: Hi, did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Yes, thanks.
BROTHER PUTS SMOOTHIES ON CHECK WRITING PLATFORM. WE DIDN'T WANT THEM TO MELT IN THE CAR.
Cashier: Oh! What kind of smoothies are those?
Me: Taro.
Cashier: What's that?
Me: They're taro smoothies.
Cashier: Oh...
BAGGER'S TRYING TO BAG AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
Cashier: Is that like chocolate?
Me (in my head): What the?
Me (out loud): No...
BAGGER IS EITHER TRYING NOT TO LAUGH OR IS VERY HERKY-JERKY WHILE PERFORMING HIS JOB.
Me: But it's sweet.
CASHIER CAN'T STOP HERSELF FROM MAKING A FACE FOR A SECOND. SHE THEN REGAINS COMPOSURE.
Cashier: Thanks! Come back and see us reeeeeal soon.
« August 28, 2006 2:55 PM | Post a Comment | 0 comments »
Vindication?
For most of my adult life, I have thrown emotional hissy fits whenever the words "woman" or "women" are used in front of a profession. Besides sounding idiotic, it is:
- grammatically incorrect to use as an adjective;
- not used conversely when people speak of a man doctor, for example;
- unless it's a male prostitute, which is grammatically correct.
I have been on a quite fruitless mission to change the way of the world by sharing this deeply held conviction as loudly as I can. This morning, I realized I've been fighting the wrong fight. In the AJC today:
Then again, this is the AJC...
It's not quite the victory I was looking for, but it's something. If we're all going to get dumber together, let's at least be fair about it.
From now on, whenever I get arrested by a man or woman police officer, I'll consult my man lawyer before I mouth off at the man judge. It's okay. He's used to it.
Labels: News
« 9:36 AM | Post a Comment | 0 comments »
Merchandising
I have no shame.
Yen the magazine (I'm Australian!)
Yen the General or Yen the bad movie actor (I'm versatile!)
Yen the doll (I fit in your pocket!)
I just found out that my name means "round object" (in several languages!). While I wait for your mocking and laughter to die down, I'll go have a cup of that bitter tea for the General in me.
Labels: Yen
« August 24, 2006 4:48 PM | Post a Comment | 1 comments »
Window seat
This week I've seen out of my office windows:
- Scary black smoke from a raging fire at a nearby warehouse;
- Three news copters suspended in air over the same fire, cementing my belief that helicopters are the best flying contraptions ever created;
- Clouds up close and personal as a summer thunderstorm ran through the state, said, "Hey, I'll make you cooler," and then left in a jiffy, causing the temperatures to soar;
- About 100 red and orange balloons (illegally) released into the sky and (relunctantly) headed for Alabama. Poor balloons...what'd they ever do to anybody?
What I didn't see was another tourist in the stupid Aeroballoon ride at Underground. It's supposed to simulate a hot-air balloon ride, but only safer...and boring-er. It's attached to all these cables, it only goes up 350 feet in the air and it only lasts 10 minutes. For all that thrill, it costs $20.
You do not thrill me.
True, that's a tenth of what a real hot-air balloon ride costs, but I believe there's some things in life that shouldn't be done half-assed.
- If you're going to drink beer, drink some real beer.
- If you're going to play the lottery, play for some real money.
- If you're going to travel to another country, stay for more than 2 days and eat the local food (dammit).
- And if you're going to fly around in a balloon, fly in a real balloon without cables.
Hell, the Aeroballoon doesn't even go higher than my floor. Tell you what. Come into my building and I'll let you look out my fantastic view for only five bucks. Or take the $20 and drink a Trappist Ale, buy a few lottery tickets in the mega millions game (I said MEGA) and eat some pho with all the questionable cuts of meat. That'll last longer than 10 minutes and be a new kind of thrill.
« August 18, 2006 9:00 AM | Post a Comment | 0 comments »
Dear 7th grade
Thanks a lot for nothing. I don't usually write off an entire academic year, but you... Couldn't you have taught me something that hasn't been rendered obsolete?
First came the lies about Europe. What you said was Czechoslovakia is now 20 different countries. You didn't even bother telling me about Andorra!
I forgave you, though. I can learn new countries. But now you can't even get the planets right? Oh no, I say. Not cool. There are supposed to be nine planets:
I've always been partial to Saturn.
Now astronomers are about to declare that there are 12 planets with the possibility of hundreds more to come! Hundreds! How could you be so wrong?
I should've known you were a waste of time back then. What the hell was Reading class all about? I'm not kidding. I don't remember if I read anything at all.
Kindest regards,
Labels: News
« August 16, 2006 4:18 PM | Post a Comment | 0 comments »
Pay attention
In order to stave off my boredom, I think I'll try to bore you to death and list some of the more recent CDs I've bought-ened.
Strange Conversations by Kris Delmhorst - I haven't given this a fair listen because my damn thumb is unable to scroll past I on iPod. The I is for...ah nevermind. Pay attention! Anyways, the songs on this CD are based on or inspired by poems. The first track is well done, especially the whole "now that's what I call music" part. I haven't gotten much farther without falling asleep. Some of these songs are way slow and I like some pep! If I can't have pep, I'll take a caipirinha or just some sugar.
Dis-moi que tu m'aimes by Chimene Badi - This is a fun pop album by a pop star who sings pop songs. If she sang in English, I would most certainly turn up my nose, but since I'm biased and lack credibility when it comes to music choices, I'm allowed to like her.
Alys Robi soundtrack - This was a tv miniseries about the first major international singing star from Quebec in the 1930s. Oh yes, they bred more than just Celine up there. BUT WHY? Good question. Isabelle (remember her? The pretty pretty one? Pay attention, would you?) sings the Spanish-translated-to-French songs in a sexy, sexy way. There's also 4 instrumentals which I adore. I love the whole CD mostly because Isabelle's interpreting these songs which were written to woo women. That's awesome!
« August 11, 2006 12:36 PM | Post a Comment | 0 comments »
History lesson
Georgia ranks 24th in the US in terms of square mileage, but she ranks second in the total number of counties (159). Am I lying? No!
See, way back in the early days of statehood, a lot of white guys got together, got drunk (of course) and thought it'd be hilarious to make schoolchildren learn a ridiculous amount of county names and then be tested on them. With so many counties, most of the names that were thrown in the hat had to be used.
For example, sober people don't think saying, "I live in BUTTS" is funny, but drunks (and pre-teens) do.
Sometimes drunks get angry. One did and cursed his sandwich, saying, "F'ing ham! I wanted turkey." And so begat EFFINGHAM County.
Someone wanted to honor the Confederate hero Jefferson Davis, but another person, who forgot the president's last name (alcohol impairs memory), already suggested and approved JEFFERSON County. So they tossed in just plain Jeff, JEFF DAVIS. Hey, the guy was president and ran away from the Union soldiers dressed like a woman! He deserves two counties.
And so on and so forth. Throughout the night, names were suggested, laughed at and then approved. It was very democratic. By the time the sun was rising, most of the men were passed out, but the few who were still awake began to get hungry. And so, from a South Georgia farmer, came the best county names:
Boy howdy, it EARLY in da moanin, aint it? Time fer maw to fix me sum uh dat der BACON, all CRISP-like and COOK up sum strong COFFEE. Boy howdy, it shure bout dat time.
And so begat the Breakfast Counties. Yes, I do wish I was lying.
If you think the counties are a barrel of monkeys, the names of towns will make you want to drive around Georgia on the way to Disney World. (Yes, it can be done). Another day, maybe, and we'll learn about Hopeulikit, Santa Claus and Between.
« August 03, 2006 11:34 AM | Post a Comment | 1 comments »
